Wrong Answer
If you have ever talked to me about homeschooling you know there are two very profound, penetrating reasons why I continue on in this life of insanity. One, the idea of waking up at the crack of dawn and packing lunches is simply too much to bear. And two, I hate standardized tests. (It's possible there are a couple other reasons in there as well, but for the purposes of this blog...)
You can imagine, I'm sure, the joy and excitement in coming to terms with the fact we were going to need to close out my daughter's journey through the second grade with a big, fat CAT...and not the fuzzy, purring, itchy-eye-sneeze-inducing kind. Oh no. I would have totally welcomed a good, ol' episode of near-anaphylaxis over THIS. She was going to need to do the California Achievement Test. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.
So, two days ago I quarantined the dining room, booted my two other offspring outside and we began. The test-taker was gung-ho and ready. The teacher was a freak show. I confess to you I could have been way less of a freak show had I not made one, sanity-altering decision: Like a passerby choosing to stare into the cataclysm of a train wreck, I decided to sit next to her through the whole darn thing, watching as she guided the cursor to each little circle to engage the "click."
It started off well. Okay. We're doing great. We learned that thing, apparently. Yay. Relief. Maybe I'll put my feet up on this table and sit back with my hands clasped behind my head for the rest of this. Where's my coffee? She's clearly a genius and she clearly knows how to take a silly standardized test.
And then it happened. The Section of Dooooom.
Language Mechanics. Language Mechanics. Hmmm. Rings a bell. Sort of. Language Mechanics. What is that...punctuation? Surely we have covered punctuation this year. Right? I felt sweat on my brow as I watched in horror the mouse consistently, surprisingly, hover over and choose the wrong answer. Again and again. Wait, that's a list! Commas go in there! Kid! What are you doing!?
That blasted Language Mechanics section was torturous for me for one reason: I knew she knew these things. We had learned them. I had taught them to her. She reads. She knows. She has seen commas and periods and semicolons played out over and over again. She had the correct answers inside of her little mind, but there was a lapse in the recall. She wasn't choosing them, and there was not a single thing I could do about it. As the teacher and administer of the test I had no choice but to sit there and watch her choose wrong. I can't lie...temptation screamed in my face to interrupt and remind her of the rules. But who was I kidding? I knew that in doing so I would be creating a result that wasn't genuinely of her. If I did that, the score wouldn't be valid, and it wouldn't be for her sake...it would be for mine.
As painful as it was, I knew I had to let her continue on to see in the end where she (we) needed growth and to tackle it head on when the results were spit out. Her coming into her full potential is way more important than passing or failing this test. The test was simply designed to shine light on the strengths...and the weaknesses. The painful lesson of the
So often I find myself wrestling with, sometimes angrily, this question: Why didn't God step in before I chose wrong? The question is often pregnant with anguish, regret and true, deep desire to understand. If God loves us, why does He hold back when He could easily have stopped us from choosing the thing that would result in personal pain? Why would a loving God allow our failure when He has the power to hold back seas, create life, give sight to the blind? Wouldn't it be reasonable to expect God to set us up for success all the time...a pain-free, easy existence of constant achievement that would leave us all in a utopia of happiness and harmony? Wouldn't it benefit Him if we were witnesses, perfect Christian poster-children, who always got it right?
As a Christian I am learning, daily, that in His great wisdom and infinite love, God cares so much about us that He is willing to sit side-by-side with us, enduring the pain of watching us choose wrong, because He wants the choice of love and the choice of following Him to be genuine and wholly from our own hearts. True love gives the freedom to choose something else. Love that is forced is not love at all. Far beyond needing or wanting us to go out and prove His greatness through outward perfection, He wants us to grow in true wisdom and holiness so that the depth and intimacy of our relationship with Him is the standard by which we assess our lives...not the appearance of perfection which is so futile and fleeting.
It's certainly reasonable to think that if He were to step in on our behalf, grab the mouse and click the "HUMBLE YOURSELF" button, the "HOLD YOUR TONGUE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING STUPID" button, the "BE DISCIPLINED" button, or the "LOVE YOUR ENEMY" button it would make for a better world. A better, temporary, transitory world. But there is a life after this one. An eternal life. And eternity is a long time compared to the time we have on this earth, whether we have five years or 85. God's deepest, greatest desire is to spend that eternity together with us; not robots He built and programmed, but people He created in His image to have a relationship with. He has done everything in His power to make the way for us...He became the answer to our self-induced sin problem (John 3:16), He gave us the Scriptures to clarify how we are to live (Psalm 119:142), He shows Himself to us clearly in all of creation (Rom 1:20). He has even given to those who acknowledge Him as their Savior the gift of the Holy Spirit that lives within us (!) to help us to walk in righteousness. (John 14:26). He has given us the answer key to the biggest, most important test. The one thing He cannot do, because of the very nature of love is choose for us. He wants the results to be genuine. They must be. Love, by its very nature, can allow for nothing less.
The great blessing to behold in all of this is that His love never changes in the midst of our wishy-washy convictions and our daily stumblings. As far as we may stray, He stays. The Great Teacher is committed to getting these truths ingrained in our beings. Thank you, Lord, that you meet us exactly where we are. Thank you that you never give up in your effort to make us holy people, that you see Jesus in us even when it would make more sense for you to see Judas in us. Thank you for the constant, never-ending process of sanctification that makes the failures in our lives valuable and that we can go straight to your throne in confidence even when we fail to make the grade.
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him,
for He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:6-7
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